


Dark Paradise

by le_chat_vilain



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief, attempted suicide, kiliel - Freeform, read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 21:54:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3666639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/le_chat_vilain/pseuds/le_chat_vilain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tauriel grieves for Kili.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Paradise

**Author's Note:**

> [TRIGGER WARNING: foiled suicide attempt] 
> 
> Grief is important, it's complex, beautiful and tragic. I had recently lost several people from my life, very important ones and I felt like exploring the topic almost as a way of reassuring myself that everything would be alright. Also ever since I was in a play called After Juliet in high school that dealt with the aftermath of the events of Romeo and Juliet, I have been fascinated by the post-film fall out, that "what if these were real people this happened to?" 
> 
> Inspired by the song Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey.

_I know how you are feeling._ _You learn to live with it._

 

She knew they meant well, but their words were just that; words. Every time she closed her eyes she saw the life leave him all over again, his body landing limp in the snow, a tear rolling down his still warm cheek. How she wished she had joined him as had been her intent.

 

Standing on the ledge and looking down, she felt she might yet still.

*** 

“Tauriel, a word?”

 

Nodding to the dragon slayer, she followed him around the corner into one of Erebor’s many dark corridors. Bard had barely spoken a word to her since the beginning of this madness and she wondered what the man could possibly have to say now.

 

“Firstly, I want to thank you. Sigrid told me it was you who made my children evacuate Laketown, who ensured their safety. I am forever in your debt. Secondly, I want to offer you my condolences. I know Thranduil did not approve of your affections for the dwarf, but that does not mean they were not real. Love knows no race, it knows no code. That love was real, and it deserves to be acknowledged.”

 

Elves were often thought to be the wisest of the races of Middle Earth, but as he stood before her with warmth in his heart, sincerity in his eyes, and wisdom in his words, Tauriel thought that perhaps it was the race of men who ought to have that honour. She was touched by his words, they had come from a good place and a good man, and it warmed her heart to hear someone acknowledge that her love for Kili had not been false.

 

“Thank you. If you will excuse me, I must-”

“I know how you are feeling. Exactly how you are feeling.”

“Your wife.”

“Yes. Look, I cannot tell you everything will be okay, or that there is some magic cure for what you are feeling, but if you ever need to talk, you are always welcome in my halls.”

“Thank you, Bard. I shall remember your kindness.”

“It is the least I can do for the savior of my children.”

 

Looking up from her hands, she caught his eye. There it was, that look that everyone had been giving her, the one they tried to hide when she gazed in their direction: pity. At least he was brave enough to let her see it. She felt her lips begin to tremble and the tears prick at her eyes, and suddenly he pulled her into his embrace. As strange as it was she found herself glad for the affection, that someone had offered her comfort. Unable to hold in her grief any longer, she let out a strangled wail and began to sob into his shoulder.

 

“I know, let it out. Just let it out.”

***

“You need to talk to her.”

 

“And say what exactly? What would I say to her that you have not already said? I know how you feel? That pain is going to be with you for the rest of your eternal days? You will relive that moment in your head over and over again? Should I tell her about all of the times I wished for death, how I very nearly brought it on myself? What, pray tell, do you suggest, dragon slayer?”

 

“I suggest you at least offer her some kind of condolence. You are her king, you need to do something!”

 

“…Fine. Do not come crying to me when it makes things worse.”

 

Waiting for Bard to take leave of him, Thranduil thought about how he would broach this topic with Tauriel. It was true that he knew the pain she was feeling, but it was also true that it would be a pain she would need to bear for the rest of her existence, and for elves, that was a very long time. Perhaps he had been so reluctant to approach her because it meant confronting his own grief, something he had been running from for millennia. At the end of the day, Bard was right, as per usual. He was awfully wise for a mere mortal.

 

He found her in Erebor’s great hall, standing in silent vigil by Kili’s stone casket as it awaited it’s final resting place to be excavated in the catacombs.

 

“Do you wish to talk about it?”

“How do you live like this?”

 

She turned her hazel eyes to him in devastated awe. He could only return her gaze with pity.

 

“Do you want me to tell you it will grow easier?”

“Does it?”

“Do you know why I tried to convince you that the love you bore him was false, Tauriel?”

“Because he was a dwarf.”

“Yes and no. Yes, because he was a dwarf, but not just that. I know the nature of dwarves. They are loyal to the point of stupidity, brave beyond all reason, and unfathomably passionate; it makes them reckless.”

“If you came here to lecture me then just leave, I do not need to feel any worse.”

“Let me finish?”

“I am sorry. Continue.”

“On top of all of that is their mortality. Though I would never admit it to any other, you are like a daughter to me, Tauriel. I know the pain of loss. I know what it is to live with that pain endlessly. I did not want that for you, I had hoped to spare you from it. I failed, and I am truly sorry.”

 

Her eyes fell to her hands as she placed them on the stone in front of her, tracing the runes with her fingers, losing herself in thought.

 

“So, does it get easier?”

 

Though he wanted to tell her it would, that one day the agony and that feeling of her heart shattering would all go away, he could not bring himself to lie to her. Instead he placed a hand on her shoulder for a brief moment, a gesture he reserved only for his kin and very dear friends.

 

“You will learn to live with it.”

 ***

_I do not want to live with it._

 

Stepping up onto the ramparts she looked down to the stone below. It would be so easy, she just had to take a step. Just one. Then she would not hurt anymore, she would not see him dying in her mind on endless loop. There would be nothing.

 

“Tauriel! Don’t! Don’t, please come down from there.”

 

She turned her head to peer over her shoulder and saw him: the hobbit. Hands outstretch towards her, bloodshot eyes pleading with her to reconsider.

 

“Why? What does it matter to you, hobbit?”

“He would not want it this way. You know that. He would want you to live.”

“Would he want me to be in pain? Eternal misery?”

“He would want you to take that pain and turn it into something good.”

 

Fighting back the tears for what seemed like the thousandth time that evening, she turned away from the Halfling.

 

“You think I don’t feel it too? You think I don’t want to curl up in a ball and just die? I know it hurts, I know it feels like someone has just taken a dagger to the sail of the ship that is your soul and ripped it in two. I know you feel like you are just drowning inside, that every time you close your eyes he is all you can see and his last breath is all you can hear. That you wish you could have taken his place or died alongside him because anything, anything would be better than this…void. Don’t you think I wasn’t standing right where you are an hour ago? Tauriel, look at me.”

 

Doing as he bid her, she saw her own tear streaked face mirrored back at her in his. His hands were shaking and his chest heaving, his whole being practically radiating suffering. He was her. She was not alone.

 

“Thorin…he was your friend.”

“He was more than my friend…he was…we were…I loved him.”

 

Without realizing, she had stepped down from the ledge, her resolve suddenly weakened by this brave, strong, yet catastrophically broken little hobbit. Crouching before him she swept him into her arms, holding him tightly to her chest as they let their grief flow into one another. They did not speak another word, they simply stayed by each other for hours, just keeping each other company while they grieved.

 

Bilbo Baggins would grow to be her dearest friend, her closest confidant. They would save each other from the darkness countless times, one carrying the other when they grew too weak to walk themselves. Thranduil was right, the pain never went away, but they did learn to live with it. Slowly but surely, they stitched up the rips in their sails, and little pieces of their souls slowly came floating back. They would never forget the sons of Durin, the men they had loved and lost, but they would also remember to live, for now they had to live for them too.

 

 

 


End file.
